Gay old with young
On the verge of my 37th birthday I commemorate a little over a year of partnership with a man 26 years my senior.
This is not a new phenomenon for me—coupling with older men. It is a taste that kept me in the closet until I felt I was sheltered enough to express it at 23. I had never been with another man sexually before then. In fact, I had only ever been with women my age. That’s what was expected of me, if not the celibate single or religious life, in the conservative, working-class Catholic household in which I was raised.
It was in this environment that I was taught to hold the body in suspicion and to avoid sex. Masturbation, I was told, is a mortal sin. “Impure thoughts” were grounds for confession. By fifteen, in the throes of pubescent sexual urgency, I broke down and committed the ultimate transgression for a Catholic boy that age: Not only did I masturbate for the first day, I did so to a picture of another man. I was terrified. My sexual fantasies were all about pro-wrestlers and movie stars with chiseled jaws and hirsute bodies. I went to confession sometimes multiple times per week at that stage of my life, living in constant fear of this layered secret and
Gay Relationship Advice: Navigating Age-Gap Relationships
I’ve been an LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapist for nearly ten years, and quite often, the topic of age differences comes up with my available queer-identified male clients and quite often is present in the same-sex couples or families I work with. Here are some of my thoughts and ideas in the form of some gay relationship counsel.
Age differences in gay men in a romantic relationship is a very shared phenomenon but is still one that often raises questions or concerns in my clients as a topic and sometimes requires some navigation in same-sex attracted couples therapydue to the unique bond dynamics involved.
Find our more about what therapy for queer men is love with me here.
If you're curious about your relationship, I just created anLGBTQ+ Relationship Quiz to help queer couples identify blindspots and growth points and to celebrate strengths. It's totally free and I'll email you a free 15 page PDF breakdown of your results.
One of the things this interrogate looks at is 'balance' which is all to perform with dynamics just like age differences, that can sometimes cause a partnership to struggle
Gay Relationship Advice: Age Gaps in Gay Relationships
Many of my LGBTQ counseling clients ask me why they are only attracted to gay men younger than themselves. If you are happy digital dating gay men in their twenties, then this question is not important. It’s like asking “Why do I prefer blondes over brunettes?” My advice is to let yourself enjoy dating whomever interests you (as long as they are over the age of 18).
Age gap relationships are more common than you may realize. In western countries:
- 1 out of every twelve male/female couples has an age gap of 10 years or more
- that number increase to 25% in male/male couples
- and 15% of female/female relationships
That same study indicated that age gap partners are more satisfied and more committed to each other than partners of similar age–though there is some analyze that points to a correlation with higher rates of divorce. Research also shows that couples with an age gap of less than ten years are happier than those with an age gap greater than ten years. You can find more details on these stats on this episode of the podcast I Love You Too, by Psychotherapist, Dating Coach, Couples Counselor Jessica Engle,
11 Ways to Spot an Older or Younger Man for a Relationship– Lgbtq+ Age Gap Online dating Advice
When it comes to attraction, a large age gap brings with it numerous nuances. One of arguably the biggest hurdles to overcome is the first. How to meet an older partner or younger partner?
From finding a fling to revealing marriage material, for gay men, actively finding a loved one that’s significantly older or younger can feel much more difficult than for those seeking those similar to their age.
Aside from the reduced number of people genuinely interested in matchmaking app someone 15 years, 20 years, 30 years + apart from them (like TheAgeGapGuys have), location plays the biggest part. This isn't meaning physical distance between people – though that naturally impacts relationship sustainability – but the long term location (i.e. where you live and work) of the person seeking to join an older / younger man.
Your location impacts an enormous array of things for lgbtq+ men, including but not limited to:
The legality of homosexuality
Liberalness and acceptance of gay people and age gap relationships,
If there are many lgbtq+ men residing nearby
Adoption and use